Twilight Saga: New Moon

In the spirit of the season (which I guess is the 4th of July weekend), I feel it’s important for me to reach out to my fellow man and offer a helping hand during their monotonous days.

This weekend marks the arrival of a truly God awful movie that will scar the fragile human psyche’s that unnwittingly walk through the imposing theater doors into the enclosed staduim of the arts.

No, not that one.

No, to fully understand the movie I’m talking about, we must first take a look at the movie that preceded this one.  Never before have I ever recommended someone to see the movie as opposed to reading the book.  In this case, it almost goes without saying.  To tell the truth, it’s a no-win situation.  It’s the sadistic choice at it’s purest form: either read a 600+ page book you have absolutely no interest in, or sit through a two hour movie adaptation of that same book.

But then, I personally would have gone with C: “Run out into the street, pretend to be a Ford Escort, and engage in a fender bender with a Hummer.  Multiple times.”

I am of course talking about the freakish hurricane of angst, money, and glitter that is otherwise known as Twilight Saga: New Moon.

Yes, folks. This is the sequel of the insanely crowded film “Twilight“, which is based on the book series by Stephanie Meyer. As we all know, this writer is famous for turning a hick town into a supernatural hotspot for steamy romance and teen drama simply because she searched for the rainiest place in all of America on Google. At this point, I wish Google hadn’t betrayed me and listed it as someplace in Montana, or Iowa, or even California instead. Why? Because the computer told her that place was in Forks, Washington.

And not only do I live in Washington, but I also live within spitting distance of Forks.

In no time, the town has been pinned on the map as the go-to place to search for glittery vampires, perfect teenage girls, and perhaps some of that mythical rain they keep reading about in fantasy novels. This once unknown town has now been opened to the public and, worst of all, to tourists.

But I digress. This is not a review about Forks, Washington: home of lumberjacks, mental hospitals, and not-rain. This is about New Moon.

Honestly, did you think they were going to make only ONE movie on the Twilight saga? Really? You’re serious? After how much the last movie made in the box office? Really? And how every girl in America swooned over Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart? REALLY?

But hey, don’t take my word for it. Read about it yourselves.

(Note: like I mentioned before, this is a sequel. The events of the first movie are hazy to me [I think the alchohol had something to do with it], but fear not. For if there is a moment that refers to the first movie, I will simply make something up so that you can get the full Twilight experience. Ain’t I nice?)

– – –

So, we open to Bella Swan (played by Kristen Stewart) running through a gaggle of red monks as she apparently looks for an exorcist to remover her Cullen problem. She struggles past several of the robed men and women and suddenly finds herself in a forest by Not-Forks (since the movie was actually filmed in Vancouver). She sees her grandmother, and then everyone’s favorite glittery bloodsucker steps out of the trees to accompany Bella as she introduces her new beau to her grandmother. Strangely enough, her grandmother mimics her actions; and to her horror, she discovers that she’s looking at herself in a mirror. She then becomes that old woman and Edward (played by Robert Pattinson) wishes her a happy birthday. Aw, how thoughtful, he remembered! I would have figured that he’d forget by the fortieth year at least!

As you could tell, all of that was a dream. Bella awakens in her bed, next to a copy of Romeo and Juliet. I distinctly remember this because the movie went to great lengths to say “This book was right next to Bella while she was having a freakish dream, and it is therefore important. PAY ATTENTION TO IT, DAMMIT! Bella goes to school and meets up with Edward, who wishes her a happy birthday. I don’t know about you, but I have this weird feeling of de ja vu. They attend class, where they watch a movie about Romeo and Juliet. I don’t quite get the movie’s fascination with Romeo and Juliet, but OK, I’ll roll with it. During the film, the two talk about their relationship. This part is hilarious because, while they’re talking during class (which I thought would have gotten both their asses hauled off to detention), Bella is seated right next to Edward and is practically sharing his desk while everybody else is sitting at their own. And everyone else just rolls with it, acting like there’s no problem.

“What, that? Oh, that’s nothing. That’s no problem right there. Man, did you try some of these brownies? These give you the munchies like nothing else you‘ve ever had!”

The Literature teacher during that class in New Moon.

This can be the only explanation for such blatant disregard of school regulation.

Oh, and Edward can recite Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet, no less. What a dream guy, huh? I can recite the Preamble to the Constitution, but that doesn’t make me a Congressman, now does it?

And I still don’t get this fascination with Romeo and Juliet! What, did Meyer wish she had written that book? Does she also wish she had written Hamlet?  I don’t think there’s enough angst in the human imagination to paint such a bleak picture.

The Cullens (yes, there’s more than one of the miserable buggers) invite Bella over to their house to celebrate her birthday. As she cuts her finger while tearing at the world’s sharpest gift wrapping, her finger starts to bleed. One of the Cullen’s goes beserk and attacks her, to which Edward slams Bella across the room into a glass table.

You know, for her protection.

As a result, she gets a much larger cut on her arm, and Edward orders everyone to get out so that his father can clean and treat her wound without them going nuts about her blood.

This sets in motion a chain of events where the troubled vampire wunderkind contemplates the humanity of Bella, to which, with resignation and regret, meets Bella in the most sacred of locations to discuss their future, both in space and time… and for their love.

AKA: He breaks into her house to watch her sleep, then takes her to the woods the next day and says “I don‘t care about you, and I never want to see you again. I‘m leaving. Peace out.”

And he disappears.

And he leaves Bella alone in the forest.

And the sun is going down.

And out in the real world, there were droves of teenage girls that saw this and whispered “I love you too, Edward…” Ugh…

So after weeks and weeks of nightmares and endless angsting, she decides to go to a movie with a friend. As they’re walking home, she sees a group of bikers that she recognizes. She gets a flashback to when they were harassing her, at least until Edward showed up and saved her ass. Bella then decides to walk up to one of the bikers, most likely to escape her friend who is prattling on and on like a frakking teenage girl. As Bella approaches one of the bikers, a ghostly image of Edward appears to tell her not to do it, which she promptly ignores. She then gets on this guy’s motorcycle, and they ride off through the town.

Aw, how sweet. A high school girl decides to hook up with some random biker she met outside of a bar where she was attacked a few months ago. The messages of this film sure are wholesome, huh?

While they’re riding, Bella sees a vision of Edward again and has the biker stop the bike. We then find her back in front of the bar seconds later (apparently, she didn’t need the motorcycle trip because she moves faster than a speeding train), and she comes to the conclusion that doing reckless things causes her to produce adrenaline that brings ghostly images of Edward telling her to stop doing reckless things. She then decides that this is the acceptable thing to do. You know, opposed to MOVING ON AND MATURING FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.

So she acquires two motorbikes and asks her friend Jacob Black to help her fix them up. She gets to know Jacob a little bit more, and Jacob blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah something about a rebel tribe blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah movie night blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah mono blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Flavor Flav blah blah blah blah blah ice cream sammich blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH FREAKIN’ BLAH.

This is one issue with the movie: it takes for-frakking-EVER to get from one point to the next. Every second feels like an unnecessary addition that could have been simplified one way or another. And you know why this is? Because they have to sift through 600 pages of absolute adolescent nonsense in order to get the bare bones of the plot! It’s one thing to compress a work of that size into a 90-120 min. film, but if it’s 600 pages of material that you really don’t like, then every second is going to feel like torture. This is why they try to get competent actors in order to lessen the dull, throbbing sensation of your brain trying to bang through your skull and hightail it to Tijuana.

And… we get Kristen Stewart for the leading lady.

This Kristen Stewart.  Y’know, the Kristen Stewart that has all the qualities of those cardboard cutouts of her promoting this movie in the first place, only in human form. The same person who hasn’t smiled since Catch That Kid.

Sort of.

Anyway, Bella discovers that Jacob is NOT a werewolf. No, he’s just a shapeshifter, because he doesn’t need the full moon to transform. Yeah, Stephanie Meyer wasn’t content in just destroying hundreds of years of vampire mythos. No, she had to go after the werewolves too, the completionist that she is. One can only wonder if there’s a young Frank N. Stein in Bella’s future as the son of a plastic surgeon who was pieced together with human parts after a tragic car crash that took his mother’s life. See? I can rip on the horror genre too. Does that mean it’s a good idea? No, not usually. But that hasn’t stopped her Meyership.

Anyway, Jacob tells Bella that the group he’s with has been protecting her from some red-haired vampire named Victoria, who is dead-set on making Bella as dead as she is. Why? Hell if I know. There was mention of a man named James. I think Bella made fun of his haircut and forgot to tip him when she ordered a pizza from him or something, and Victoria got mad when he decided to join the army so he could have a practical reason to shave his head. Regardless, Jacob and his tribe prevent Victoria from getting Bella and drive the vampire off a cliff, into the ocean. At this point, Bella decides that it’s a good idea to approach this same cliff and take a dive off of it to get another vision of Edward.

Wow. I know love makes you stupid, but there has got to be another word for this kind of stupid. I’m thinking “inoperable-brain-tumor”. That’s a word, right?

So, Jacob saves Bella from drowning. Why he would is beyond me. He takes her home where he tries to put the moves on her, but she rebuffs him, since she still has feelings for Edward. Jacob senses another vampire in her house and although he warns her that he can’t protect her since they’re not in his territory, she ignores him anyway (I’m starting to see a pattern here) and goes into the house to find…

ALICE!

Who is… Edward’s… pixie sister and… Bella’s bestest… vampire… friend… who is… hot… and… short hair… and… hot… and… and…

… WOW…

… Moving on! Alice tells Bella that she got a vision about her falling off the cliff to her apparent death. Bella’s response? “Oh. Oh, no, I was… cliff diving. I’m into that, now.” I’m not even joking. That’s pretty much what Bella told her. But hey, who’s to argue with Edward’s former squeeze toy?  After Alice leaves her and Jacob alone, Jacob tries to put the moves on Bella AGAIN (This guy has absolutely no sense of timing). However, they get closer than when they were in the truck just scant minutes earlier.  The time that had passed since then has made their mutual attraction to each other mature enough to finally bring to fruition the long kiss that everyone- the phone rings.

Oh come on, you weren’t expecting that? 

Jacob answers, and after a pause, he tells the caller that her father is not there and is busy with a funeral (which is an even longer story that quite honestly has no bearing on this one at all), then hangs up the phone. We then discover that the caller was Edward, who is all the way in Brazil, but still as pale as ever.

Alice rushes back into the house and tells them that Edward is planning to kill himself because he thinks that Bella has killed herself. Oh great… THIS is why the movie kept spamming Romeo and Juliet all through the beginning, so we could see that these two are not so different.  We get it, movie.  You think your story is just as good as Romeo and Juliet. Can we please pretend that you’re clever so we can finish the damn thing?

Bella then grills Jacob, asking him why he didn’t let her talk to Edward so that he wouldn’t think that she was dead.

And you know, that’s actually not a bad question. But I think I have a better one:

“WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUMP OFF THE FRAKKIN’ CLIFF IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FICKLE MISTRESS OF PAIN AND FORLORN EXPRESSIONS?!  YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS SILLINESS IF YOU HAD FOUND MORE REASONABLE METHODS OF GAINING ADRENALINE!  GOD FORBID THAT YOU COMPLETELY FORGET THE SCHIZOID WHO LEFT YOU OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AFTER BREAKING UP WITH YOU!”

Anyway, after that, Alice decides that she and Bella should fly to Italy to stop him.  So they do.

And the rest of Forks just pretends that Bella’s in her room while she’s gone halfway around the globe.

Then we get a shot of Bella… oh no, are you serious?

Sigh…

… SHE RUNS THROUGH A CROWD OF FESTIVAL GOERS CLAD IN RED ROBES, LIKE IN THE DREAM AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS DAMNED THING. HOO-FRAKKIN’-RAY.

She stops Edward, they kiss, and Edward tells her that he’s always loved her and that they belong together. ‘But wait, Edward my love!’ says Bella, still visibly shaking after months of sleepless nights and never-ending angst over their separation, ‘I thought you said that you didn’t belong to me.’ Edward continues to stare in her eyes as he passively remarks ‘I lied. You believe everything I say, you know.’

Ladies and Gentlemen: the game is over. This is the final straw. Just in case you were confused, this right here is the point where the willing suspension of disbelief has snapped and fallen on top of the crowd like a piano in a bad Laurel and Hardy film. There is nothing lower than this without making continuous deals with the devil.

I mean, seriously: THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN. Sure, it may be how half the guys in the world treat them, but that does not make them right. Not by a long shot. I’ve long contemplated why it is that girls are attracted to jerks like him, and in the twelve minutes that I’ve spent thinking about it, I’ve come up with two reasons: either she’s seeking the challenge so she can break through the man’s cruel shell to find the good gremlin inside of him that she made up out of coping, and is therefore in denial about the abuse that guy inflicts; or she’s a hardcore emotional masochist who can’t survive for ten seconds without crap happening to her. I’m sure there are other reasons, but really: It’s your call.

And Bella? At first, I felt sorry for her, for all that stuff that happens to her from Edward. After going through this, though, I realized I was wrong.  She’s not the victim; Bella is the root cause of all this idiocy.  She is the character that managed to turn a fantasy series about bloodsuckers, shapeshifters, and other such fantastical concepts, into a magnum opus that could have been summarized with: “Once upon a time, I didn’t get what I wanted.  Wah, wah, WAH!  The End.”  After seeing this movie, I can honestly say that she deserves Edward. She completely deserves to be with him forever, because their stupidity suits each other perfectly. And since she wants to become a vampire, that may very well become a reality. Now doesn’t that strike terror into your bones: two stupid people who not only can live forever, but also can make you live forever just to witness their everlasting stupidity.  I know it’d scare me half to death.  But really, what else can you expect from her?  Let’s have you walk in her shoes for a second.  If you put aside a reasonable man who not only loves you deeply (albeit prematurely), but also:

  • Doesn’t have a condition where he has to fight the urge to suck you dry
  • Doesn’t push you across the room into a glass table
  • Doesn’t stare at you while you sleep
  • Doesn’t snoop through your room when you’re not there
  • Doesn’t leave you in the middle of the forest during nightfall (and no, I am not letting this go; that part was and always will be in poor taste)
  • Doesn’t subject you to his several severe mood swings and act like nothing’s changed at all
  • Doesn’t lie to you and causes very real emotional pain all in the name of “protecting you”

You have a problem.

Actually, no.  I take that back.  You don’t have a problem.

YOU HAVE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. How else could you weather through all that abuse and still flock back to that man? You have a psychological illness that prevents you from thinking clearly and also stops you from caring about your own well being. It is time to put down the eyeliner, move to Oklahoma, and GO TO REHAB.

And I am not saying that Jacob is the saintly one here, either. He’s just as stupid as the two lovebirds, but you honestly can’t fault him for that. He’s sixteen years old. Yes, that guy is sixteen years old. I checked. That ridiculously ripped manchild is (or was, during the filming process of the movie) sixteen years old. This means that Jacob is still going through puberty in this film. And this manchild is coming in between Bella’s eighteen and Edward’s… 109… look, my point is that: while he’s not the perfect man in this movie, Jacob so far has not caused any physical or emotional pain to Bella. And in my scorebook, that’s Edward – 0, Jacob – 2.

Pfft. So the movie STILL has to continue, but at this point, it’s been two hours and the audience’s brains are being pooled together to form an excellent if tart sea of tapioca pudding. So I’ll compress the next thirty minutes: They go to some vampire council, Bella’s the supernatural Jesus, Dakota Fanning’s in the movie, the Cullen’s vote to make Bella a vampire, Jacob angsts, and Edward doesn’t want to change Bella into a vampire. After Bella shows some of that feminine rebellion, Edward agrees to an ultimatum. He will turn Bella into a vampire under one condition: Bella has to marry him.

Then she gasps, the screen cuts to black, and the credits roll.

– – –

Do I really have to say what I think of it? I do? Fine, you asked for it:

It’s horrid. This movie is crap-tastic. The length was one hour longer than it should have been, the music was pointless drivel (although Thom Yorke’s song was not bad), the actors overplayed their parts, and the whole point of the movie was nonsensical fan-service. But really, did you ever have any doubts?

Oh, and that last part, the one that’s supposed to be a cliffhanger: Why is the marriage proposal such a shocker? If Bella wanted to become a vampire so she could spend eternity with Edward, wouldn’t that be considered a marriage proposal in itself? And what about her parents/friends? You’re telling me she is perfectly fine with abandoning those people that genuinely care for her so she can be this man’s trophy chocolate box or whatever?  What would she say to her dad? 

“Oh hey, Dad?  I’m getting married to Edward.  And he’s a vampire.  And I’m gonna be a vampire too.  So… kthxbai.”

~Bella, minutes before her unbelievable super wedding with Edward

I wouldn’t even put it past her.  I can picture her saying that in my mind.  I can actually see this happening.  That’s how bad it is.  There’s really no excuse, especially since there’s a book that I’m sure already talks about this event of the millenium.  But take your pick: either the extremely bland literary character of Bella can casually and awkwardly push aside her parents/friends, or the angst factory that is Kristen Stewart can show just how frakking shallow she really is.

Whatever. Here’s the bottom line: if you’re a fan of the books, go see it and be merry. Just don’t spill that merry all over us, cause we will kick the glitter right off of you. If you’re one of the glitter kickers, be careful. Those fans are crazy.

And that’s Twilight Saga: New Moon.  If there was anything in this that didn’t tickle your fancy, then please, for the love of Barnaby: Do not see Eclipse.

That’s “Do not”.

As in “Don’t”.

DON’T.

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