A Series of Saws

So.

A long time ago, I was asked to do a review on Saw VI. Which I said “fine” to, in hopes that this guy would get back to work without making his co-workers sick from describing the intricate details from those movies.  At that time, I was bluffing.  But since the seventh one is coming out this year and is claimed to be the last one of the series, my little claim came back to haunt me.

So, Saw VI.

Saw VI.

What on earth do I begin with about Saw VI?

I mean, let’s start at the very beginning of the series.  I liked the first one, plot wise.  This is probably very surprising to hear, but honestly: yes, when you look past the blood and violence, there is a story underneath.  It’s what makes the whole thing so suspenseful.  Amazingly, the first film is the one out of the entire series that is the least graphic.  It’s the least graphic because the sequels were tailor made to get worse with with each sequel in an unnecessary quest to one-up each other.  So that’s another factor of why I like the first one.

After the first movie, though… everything just started going wrong.  Because they had to keep on amping up the violence, the story had to give way to justify the violence.  It was the third movie that technically should have ended it all, but you had to know better than that.  After all, they had to corner the market on explicit torture porn.  Unfortunately, even if they had to corner the market on this kind of “entertainment”, they had to realize that there’s only so many people who would go see something like this.  Not to mention that this really isn’t the movie series that you present to guests, unless you were trying to get them to leave your house.  Also, the series broke after the third movie, and it showed no sign of slowing down, which meant that people were not going to see Saw IV because of the very glaring turn of events that happened in the third release.  And since the series was touted as “very story driven”, if you missed one of them, you had to wait for the DVD to come out so you could see what happened.  And get even more grossed out because of the Director’s Cut editions of the movie that took over the normal copies of the movie.

But Saw VI…

Saw VI is…

… man, it’s hard to describe.  The series has long since become stale.  Sure, they have their different plot elements, but it doesn’t matter; they’re all about the same thing.

So what I’m going to do is give a summary of not only Saw VI, but all the Saw movies in general, because you can’t leave one without considering the other.

In fact, I’ll sum everything up in two words for y’all. And just in case that’s not enough for you, I’ll also give an extended five-word “director’s cut” summary for your listening pleasue, just so you’ll find out more. Now be sure to listen up, cause this’ll go by real fast. Are you ready? Don’t blink, don’t lose focus? All right?

OK, here it is:

“EVERYBODY DIES.”

Would you like to hear the extended version? OK, here it is:

“I’M NOT EXAGGERATING.  EVERYBODY DIES.”

Now, I understand that’s a harsh thing to say, but really, that’s the vibe I’m getting from these movies. That seems to be the trend.  First movie, you have some people that are killed.  Then, later on in that same movie, those that are investigating those that were killed are killed themselves.  Then, in the second one, those that were investigating those that were investigating those that were killed are also killed.  Then in the third movie, he kills those that were investigating those that were investigating those that were investigating those that were killed.  Fourth one blah blah blah.  At this point, if you knew any of the original characters in the first movie, just expect to wake up one day in a strange room with your pancreas looking you in the eye, cause now you have the death sentence.  At this rate, it doesn’t matter if you were the spouse of the victim, the child, the lawyer, the pharmacist, the local stalker, or even the old granny standing behind him at the local supermarket; if you knew the victim, you were going to find yourself with a cheese grater positioned above your foot in order to save your life.  I’m serious.  People that were just extras in the first movie have suddenly started coming up on the main character chopping block in these later installments. Pretty soon, there won’t be any more extras in the movie because they’ll all be DEAD.

This is where the villain’s plan becomes genius. By taking out a group of people in the first movie, he has started a chain reaction where even more people meet the same fate.  And it won’t stop there.  No, it’s going to keep on going.  Before long, towns will be destroyed.  Cities will be decimated.  China will become a freakin’ sitting room for that creepy little puppet thing up there.  Whole continents will sink into the deep.

And let me be the first to tell you how it’s all going to end:

The entire series will end with the planet Earth waking up inside of a donut box.

And it will get smashed repeatedly with a mallet.

And then the whole frakking planet itself will be sliced in half by a rusty can lid, causing the two pieces to become space debris as they begins their thousand year journey through the great void of the heavens and set off to destroy even more planets until they ultimately rip apart the fabric of space and time.

All because one man got his feelings hurt.

EVERYBODY. DIES.

The End.

– – –

And that’s what I think of the Saw series.

You know what the sad thing is, though?

I will still be interested in how the series ends.  Because I am hopeless.  Because I am in this way too deep.  Because I allowed the first movie some credit and praise, I have to follow through with this to the bitter end.  But at least it will have an end.

Until the direct-to-DVD’s start popping up everywhere.  That could very well happen.  After all, the first Saw movie was made with a million dollars.  That was it.  And you know that the people making this series nowadays will leave a back door open just for that possibility.

Or maybe society will be lucky, and the only place that gets new Saw material is fan-fiction on the internet.

Which does not make me feel any better.

But in any case: that’s what I think of the series as a whole.  I might do individual reviews later on, and I will be planning one for the piece de resistance later on this year.  But that should be good for now.

-I~J

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