Twilight Saga: Eclipse

In this day and age, humanity has…

Oh, screw it.  There’s no way I can write something introspective here, not after the insanity I’ve watched.

And yes, as the title suggests, this is about Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

You had to know this movie was coming.  After all, people went nuts over the wonder of human and vampire love in Twilight.  They’ve prostrated themselves in the battle between Bella’s affections in New Moon.  So what is it that the fans have used as reassurance that their lives aren’t a complete waste?

See what lies beneath.

(Note: as you might have guessed, this is the sequel to New Moon.  Since I did the smart action of watching the previous one, that means I know what the hell these people are talking about that occured back in the previous movie.  I just thought I’d let you know that just in case this review stops mid sentence and I go into an alcoholic rage and wind up on Youtube.)

– – –

So we open up to a rainy evening in Seattle.  And already, I note that this is the first time I have noted rain in these movies at all.  And it’s not in Forks.  Which begs the question of why the hell this series takes place in Forks in the first place if rain is occuring elsewhere.  After all, it’s been continually brought up over and over that the only reason her Meyership picked Forks as a setting in the first place is because she Googled “rainest place in America”.

We cut to a Justin Beiber look-alike as he makes his way through the rain back to who knows where, when he starts to get agitated by high gushes of wind that keep passing him by.  Naturally, he responds to this accordingly with the “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!”  before something brushes by his hand and he starts screaming bloody murder.  And with good reason because he was just bitten in the hand, and he’s about to die.  And become a vampire.

And then an eclipse.

Oh, I get it, cause it’s an eclipse, and the movie’s called Eclipse, and… it’s lunar… and… it has something to do with vampires that glitter in sunlight.

So after that absolutely enlightening opening, we move to Bella and Edward as they’re lying in a field talking about… what else?  Themselves.  They talk about her wanting to become a vampire, while Edward continually asks her to marry him instead of turning her.  She continually says no because she’s against marriage.

Wait, she says no?

Why, that’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard in this series yet! Hoorah for character development!

The reason she doesn’t want to marry him is because she’ll be so young.  Makes sense to me.  I’ve been harping for a while that it’s a bad idea for kids these days to be getting married before they finish college, and it’s refreshing to hear my same concerns voiced by a piece of cardboard.  However, Edward doesn’t want to turn her into a vampire because then she’ll miss out on things that she’d have while she was human.

Oh my Bob, even HE sounds sensible.  This movie has hope yet, and it’s only been the first ten minutes!

Mr. Swan (Bella’s dad) expresses his concern for his daughter and grounds her when she gets home because of her outlandish behavior in the past (sensible!).  And why not, this was the same Bella who randomly decided to hop a plane to Italy in the previous movie, and without letting anyone else know.  But then this changes as he decides to not ground her, on the condition that she uses her new-found freedom to spend time with her other friends.

Other friends?  She has other friends?

Oh yeah, those guys.  Sorry, I’m more focused on her.

Yeah.  You go, girl.  Rowr.

It’s revealed that Bella hasn’t talked to Jacob since the events of the last movie.  Actually, it’s quite the opposite: Jacob doesn’t want to talk to Bella after the events of the last movie.

Dear Lord, everything seems so sensible.  This is great!  They’re behaving like normal people.  What more could you ask for?!

Bella decides to visit Jacob and his tribe, and she meets the new recruits, including a woman named Leah Clearwater.  Wow, a female werewolf.  I’ve never heard of a…

And we’ll never know more about it, because it’s time for the plot to move on.  We cut to a strange man in Bella’s room touching her things.  Yes, this is Riley Biers.  And if he looks familiar to you, then it’s because you’ve seen all those pictures of Justin Beiber around and wish the half-pint was as decent looking as this guy on screen.  Actually, this is the guy from the beginning of the movie that was turned into a vampire from the handbite.  At this point, I don’t think I could handle a third suitor in this ridiculous relationship, especially if it isn’t Alice.  Riley comes down the stairs and studies Mr. Swan while he sleeps on the couch.  Then Bella gets home and is greeted by…

Mr. Swan, who is perfectly fine.

Huh.  So much for suspense.

Then Edward comes into the house and panics because his stalker senses figured out that there was someone else other than himself in Bella’s room.

And it’s here that I must point out a fault/confess a shortcoming on my part:

This movie is long, just like its predecessors.  And like it’s predecessors, there are so many parts where the plot doesn’t move forward and the characters just talk.  They talk about the plot, they talk about each other, they talk about other people not in the room, they talk about Ralph Wiggum… they just talk.  But what this movie does that makes it independent of the others is that, once you look back at what you’ve seen on screen, you realize that there are so many scenes and talking sessions that are very similar to others that occured earlier on in the film.  And as a result, your memory of what came before or who did what to whom first starts to run together and you can’t tell what happened where.  That’s not a good thing.  If you’re going to make a story, you want every moment to be easily memorable, something where people can follow the plot with ease and identify what scenes they like.

So unfortunately, I can’t really remember anything that occured until the movie’s first memorable scene, which was Bella and Jacob walking along while he confesses his love for her.  Which is about bloody time too, since he’s been clearly showing that losing hand to people for a while now, and it’s embarassing.  Bella doesn’t agree with Jacob’s outspoken feelings, which prompts him to force himself upon her.  Because she totally loves a man who’s direct.

What do you think?  She pushes him aside and punches him in the face.

Except her hand bounces off his face like she was punching a brick wall.  As a result, she sprains her hand.

And that’s awesome.  It’s awesome for Bella because that’s the first aggressive thing she’s done in this whole damn series, it’s awesome for Jacob because it’s nice to know that girls won’t bring him down, and it’s awesome for me because I get to see Bella in physical pain for something she wrought upon herself.  As opposed to the many other somethings that have happened in this series thus far.

The two of them drive back home (man, that had to be a super awkward car ride back), and not two seconds after Jacob gets out of the car, Edward is at his throat (using his hands, I mean) and warns that if he ever lays a hand on Bella again, he’ll… do something that doesn’t have to do with glitter, I guess.  My first reaction to this was “Hey, Bella was the one that tried to punch out Jacob” before I remembered that Jacob was being an idiot and still swooning over this selfish girl.  Enter Mr. Swan, who breaks up the sissy fight and demands to know what happened.

And what does Jacob say?

He tells Mr. Swan that he kissed Bella, she punched him, and she managed to hurt her hand in the process.

No.  Scratch what I said earlier: THIS is the most sensible thing I’ve heard in this series yet.

So, after that little aside into stupidity, Bella and Edward and etc. graduate from high school.  Then there’s a party at the Cullen house, where Alice has a vision about something nefarious happening in Seattle.  Bella and the Cullens get together to talk about these new events.  Apparently, there’s a vampire going around the big city and creating a newborn army.

Hmmm…

GAH!!!

No, it’s not like that at all.  Apparently, when they talk about newborn, they mean people who have been recently turned into vampires.  Jasper, the gayest looking of the Cullen’s, stresses the point that Newborn’s are very dangerous, much more than regular vampires are because they have the hunger for human blood in them.  And this army has been given the scent of Bella.  O noes!  Not the cardboard cut-out!  Anyone but the mannequin in a dress!

Jacob and his two compatriots hear about this and decide to help the Cullens in protecting Bella.

At this point, Jasper decides to rally these supernatural troops and lecture them on the battle strategy of taking down the Newborns.

Just so you know, this is Jasper:

General Patton, he is not.

Speaking of which, there are parts of the movie where two of the Cullen clan (Jasper included) have a heart-to-not-beating-heart talk with Bella about how they were turned into vampires and their issues with all those years they’ve lived.  Bella takes them about as well as any statue can, but after hearing their side of the stories, I’ve come to my own conclusion about this matter:

Being a vampire SUCKS.

One of them complains about how she didn’t have a choice in being turned into a vampire, and when she got revenge on those who got her to that particular avenue, she still had a life to not-live afterwards.  The other also didn’t have much of a choice, and was in fact turned for a similar reason as the Newborn’s in Seattle.  And each one has expressed a sense of regret in not experiencing the best that life had to offer them.  Sure, Bella has a choice, but can we really trust her sense of judgement on this one, especially considering the stupidity she has been capable of in the previous movie(s)?

In the house, Bella has a talk with her father on why he didn’t get remarried.  What follows has got to be the most awkward talk on marriage and “the talk” I have ever witnessed anywhere.  It’s at least a good thing to hear that Bella hasn’t gone all the way with Edward.  And as far as her father is concerned, he’s at least glad that they’re not having sex.  For that matter, so am I and the rest of the audience.  Cause that’s basically necrophilia, and it’s still frowned upon in most societies.

In any case, Alice works up an alibi for Bella’s father, the story being that Bella is having a sleep-over at the Cullen house.  And then it is revealed that she and Edward will have the house to themselves.

*gasp*

That night, Bella and Edward share an intimate moment in a large bed in the guestroom.

*double gasp*

And Edward still asks her to marry him, but she instead tries to broker her own deal.  She first asks him if he’ll grant her anything she wants, to which he says “of course”.  And then she starts kissing him heavily, prompting them to recline further onto the bed, their hands going all over each other’s bodies.  She reaches for his shirt and he…

… stops.

SENSIBILITY!  THOU IST MOST WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE OF LOGIC AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

So he reasons to Bella that, while he wants to have sex with her, he doesn’t want to do that unless they are married.  She responds that it’s not a modern way of thinking.   But he recalls all the things he would have done for Bella back when he was human near 100 years ago, how he would have courted her, have chaperoned walks with her, maybe even steal a kiss or two (but only if her father had given permission)… and then he gets down on one knee.  Or at least, as low as possible to get while reclining on a bed.  He presents her a ring that belonged to his grandmother, and then proposes.

And she says yes.

Wait, she said yes?

What happened to sensibility?!  You’re anti-marriage!  And all Edward did was talk pretty to you!  What happened to your views?!  Is it because he gave you something you can later sell after the divorce?!

This may be sweet, but it’s inconsistent.  Absolutely nothing happened in this movie that could have made her change her views, especially since she didn’t agree to marriage at the beginning of this frakking evening.  What changed in those ten minutes?  Did he hypnotize her and I missed it?

Ugh… so Bella and Edward go up into the mountains so she can be as far from the battlefield as possible.  They spend the night atop a mountain and it starts to snow.  Kinda the same way that a hurricane starts to rain.

Bella lies freezing in her tent while Edward watches her in physical pain, asking with a quite pitiful voice “What can I do for you?”

Then Jacob comes into the tent.

Now, just so you know, Jacob is shirtless for about 85% of this film.  This is a scene in the mountains where it’s snowing like crazy.  Surely, the man with the million dollar abs would not be outside such a snowstorm without a shirt on.  After all, there’s no good reason to be out in that weather at all without wearing full cothes, not even for a sexy six-pack.

Well, that would be mistaken.  He’s not only shirtless, he’s wearing shorts too.

I’m starting to wonder if his sole purpose in this story is eye candy.

It is decided that the only way to make sure Bella is comfortable is if she’s next to Jacob in order to keep her warm.  Edward eventually and reluctantly agrees.

While she sleeps, Edward and Jacob have a “talk” of sorts, where they more or less accept the other’s role in Bella’s life.  Jacob accepts that she loves Edward, while Edward accepts that Jacob can sense a similar affection from Bella to him.  While they talk, the movie sometimes show Bella and you can almost make out a content smile, except this is still Kristen Stewart we’re talking about.  And it’s here that I potentially begin to see into her female mind:

She’s in the middle between two exceptionally handsome, musle-bound men who share a rivarly with each other, and yet they are able to come to terms long enough to have a tender moment as the apple of their eyes lays sleeping, content, peaceful, at ease.

AKA: She’s hoping that these two men make sexy shirtless love.

What, you don’t believe me?  Watch that scene again.  Look at how her lip tries to curl with an attempted smile.  She’s not sleeping.  She’s wishing that these two hunks will get it on.  You’d think I’d make this up out of retaliation for having to watch this piece of crap in the first place?

Man, the nerve of some people…

So in the morning, Jacob looks down the mountain side, scanning the landscape to make sure no one’s found them.  Edward and Bella talk about the night, and Edward strangely brings up the engagement.  Bella talks to him about it for a bit, until Jacob angrily steps into the conversation, crushed that Bella is agreeing to marry Edward.  And we learn that Edward purposefully talked to Bella about it, knowing that Jacob could hear it.

No, no, no, no, no!  Go back to the sensibleness!  We were doing good acting like grown ups here!  There’s no need to regress!

Jacob decides to take part in the battle, implying that he might get himself killed after this knowledge.

Stop this!  You had it!  You were making such excellent progress in the beginning of this movie!  Stop acting like frakking adolescents and GROW UP.

Bella tries to stop him, but he has made up his mind.  She then blurts out that she wants him to kiss her.

Then he stops everything that he’s doing, goes back to her, and they share that passionate kiss that he spent the entire previous movie fantasizing about.

Why?  WHY?  WHY?!  They were going so well.  Everything was going so well at the beginning of this movie.  These brainless characters were actually behaving like normal people.  Normal expectations.  Normal reactions.  But no!  They must have realized what they looked like halfway through the movie and said “Crap!  We’re starting to look good!  We have to fix this, and fast!”  All these sensible actions at the beginning, they amount to NOTHING at this point.  NOTHING.  Bella not wanting to get married so young?  Just kidding!  Edward not wanting to change Bella into a vampire?  Totally OK now!  Jacob still talking to these people?  Why not?!  It’s aggravating.  It means that all it takes for them to change their mind is a little leaf falling to the ground.  That’s it.  And let me ask you something: is that kind of person really fun to be around?  Really?

And Bella?

Hoo boy…

You know, I have tried to figure out just what the hell her problem is.  Normally, I’d pin this on being a teenage girl, but no.  That won’t do.  There’s just too much idiocy and broken promises to designate on her ravaging hormones.  There’s something else going on here.

As I continued to watch her insist on everything that she wants and ultimately get it, it slowly dawned on me:

Bella’s suicidal.

It has to be.  Bella’s certainly selfish enough for that mindset.  It would explain why she’s so adamant to become a vampire.  She is basically asking them to kill her, since she’s too scared to actually take her own life and be rid of this world.  In fact, she probably much prefers being a vampire over being dead so that she can continue to have her good looks.  She’s that selfish.  And you know what?  She’s so selfish, killing herself is not enough.  She still wants to have Edward.  And she wants Jacob too.  And she still wants to keep on going through life, except without any real worries or aging or never really fitting in.

In short: she can’t even commit regular suicide because she is so selfish.

. . . Does that even make sense to you?!

I mean, my God: she agreed to marry Edward not too long ago!  They were talking about it mere seconds before this stupid outburst from that baby Jacob.  And then she just yells “Kiss me!” to make sure baby doesn’t cry and go kill himself with the rest of the newborns or some other such nonsense, and she had to know that Edward would find out.  They were standing maybe twenty feet away from him.  But you know what Edward says when she comes back to him?  “No, I didn’t hear, but his thoughts were pretty loud.”  Well, I’ve got two thoughts for you, Eddy: “B” and “S“.  And he’s totally fine with what just happened.  Because as Bella tells him, she loves him more.  Never mind that there’s now a section of her heart that’s not totally devoted to loving Edward, which means that it’s a love that could be intruded upon.  Smart move there, Bella!  Way to treat that romance of the century!

This movie is stupid… like super stupid.  And there’s still movie going on!

Well no.  I’m not doing it anymore.  After something so stupid, I’m not giving the movie the benefit of further explaining itself and it’s stupidness.  (And also because there’s not much more movie left, so this will be sort of a power trek on the home stretch)  Here’s the bitesize version.  Should you choose, feel free to read the rest of the review with this in the background:

Ready?  OK:

Battle goes well, Riley and Victoria face off against Edward, who almost dies but then Bella opens a vein and distracts the two of them so he can get free and then rip off Victoria’s head (and yet, Bella’s STILL alive… ugh…), the wolves drag Riley away, Leah the female wereworlf turns out to exist solely so that Jacob gets severely injured and provide unnecessary drama thus making her character entirely pointless (Grrrrrr…), Jacob tells Bella that all is well and he accepts the marriage between Bella and Edward while probably doped out on some Native American herb so he can later blame his goodwill on the medication and recant everything he told Bella during that scene, and the movie ends where it began with Edward and Bella in the same damn meadow humorously going over the plan to tell Mr. Swan about her decision to marry Edward, and they STILL don’t show signs of Alice being a potential third suitor for Bella.

The frakking end, finally.

– – –

This movie was stupid.  It was stupid, and asanine, and dumb, and stupid, and far fetched, and mindless, and idiotic, and did I mention it was wall-bangingly STUPID?!  It started off like it was going to mature.  After all, these characters were graduating high school.  There was so much hope set in their character development.  But alas, all their efforts were in vain, for they went straight back to their idiotic selves in the previous installments.  I’m disappointed in these characters.  Especially Edward, because since he’s 109 years old, he’s graduated from high school several times.  HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MOST MATURE OF THEM ALL, BUT HE’S NOT. 

This was so stupid.  And am I dumber now from having watched this train-wreck?  No!  Because if it did make me dumber, then I wouldn’t realize how stupid this movie was in the first place.  I’d be basking in it’s idiocy, lying on the floor with drool hanging off the corner of my mouth going “DAYEEAURGHAAAAALABBABABLERASSAFRASSADINGDONG”.  And believe me, I wish I could forget these moments.  I’m certainly glad I’ve repressed at least some parts of the film.  If only I could repress those truly idiotic moments, like everything that occurs in the mountains towards the end of the film.

By the way, some people may note that I mentioned nothing of the vampire council that’s in this movie.  But there’s a valid point for it: THEY CONTRIBUTE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THIS GOD-FORSAKEN FILM!  They keep getting mentioned, they even get screen time, but ultimately, they don’t advance the plot or anything.  The only thing they do that’s of any mention is that they kill that one girl who played Alessa Gillespie from the Silent Hill movie.  And that really did not make me happy.

It’s positively mind-boggling how people can read/watch this and not see the glaring issues at hand with these characters, and with this story.  It seems that they forgo those rather important elements to make way for hot chicks, male eye candy, supernatural slash-fics, and frakking textbook examples of an inoperable brain tumor that’s slowly taking over the cerebral cortex.

But hey, this is a movie designed for the people that eat this stuff up.  So if you or someone you know loves this series, then this is the movie that will appease the Twilight gene.  I know it’s not my cup of tea.  Lord knows that I don’t understand what it is that makes it so interesting and worth the time and effort of others.  But you can’t say I didn’t try to understand.  I’ve tried to see their point of view.  I am continually trying to see their point of view, and it is so far not working out so well.

However, there were two good things about this film:

1. I got to see the trailer for Red, which looks really cool.

2. Alice Cullen

Damn straight.

Anyway, that’s Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

And now, I need a frakking shower. 

Maybe a drink.

But most definitely a shower.

Ugh…

STUPID!

-I~J

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2 responses to “Twilight Saga: Eclipse

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