Final Destination 5

Oh boy.

Well, I had to sit down and think about what to do, considering that Saw is just about finished (for now), and I needed a new series to harp upon.

Luckily, you can always count on Hollywood to remedy your every need.

Unfortunately.

This is Final Destination 5, the unexpected sequel to a series that was supposed to die because, frankly, it was getting rotten.  One has to wonder how such a thing can come to existence when people never demanded another installment to begin with.

Oh wait...

Nevertheless, the people who run Hollywood apparently went drinking one night and, instead of drunk dialing like normal people usually do, they drunk greenlit-a-movie.  After coming down from the hangover and realizing what they had done the night before, they decided to stick with their decision so as not to look like drunken idiots who approve sequels to stale franchises, all in the name of making a quick buck.  Because seriously, that’d be pretty stupid.

Suddenly, I’m starting to forsee a trend towards this review…

I guess that means it’s time to get on with it before I die by a stray ramen noodle caught in my fingernail.

– – –

We start off our film with a subtle credits sequence that promise lovely romps through a garden of dandelions, accompanied by singing squirrels and baby koalas, on a fantastic journey to find a silver castle.

OK, we start off with a subtle credits sequence that shows random objects of potential death crashing onto the screen, supposedly breaking the glass and shooting towards the audience with a 3-D intensity not seen since Michael Bay pelvic-thrusted his military-issue briefs directly towards his ten thousand dollar camcorder.

Luckily for me, I was in a theater that was far too ghetto to even afford surround sound, let alone 3-D showings of films.

While watching the credits (which basically consisted of white text on a totally black background with the occasional image of a random object smashing through the screen), the low quality of the movie projector made it appear to be the opening to a grindhouse feature.  Not only that, but the music also had the same feel as a low-budget exploitation film that only existed to show how budding Hollywood writers secretly want to kill their workplace rivals.

To tell the truth, I kinda liked it in that lo-fi presentation.

And if you lay really still and cup your ears, you might just make out the collected screams of the special effects department for discovering that their HD work was all for naught.

After that rather groovy credits sequence, we find ourselves at a buffet outside of a paper company.  We are then treated to the appearance of our protagonist Sam (played by Nick D’Agosto of early-House fame) and his friend Peter (played by Miles Fisher, who was the main character of the viral “New Romance” video that promoted this film).  While they’re busy trying to make this film about a supernatural force of nature eventually slaughtering them appear to be completely normal, we also get the time to meet the other characters of this film, including: Molly (who is Sam’s about-to-be-ex-girlfriend-before-a-minute-has-even-passed-from-her-introduction), Candice (Peter’s girlfriend, who is an intern), Isaac (who should have been a fat loser but somehow manages to be popular enough to juggle chicks; my guess is that Death wasn’t the only entity that screwed things up with characters), Nathan (who managed to land the lucky job of being supervisor to a bunch of factory workers that are easily 15-20 years older than he is), and Olivia, who is…

Hey, maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

So, all of these characters are getting ready to go on a retreat for the company, as over seen by their boss.

Oh, I forgot about that guy.

Yeah, we’re also introduced to the Boss of this paper company.  Who is played by…

David Koechner.

AKA that one guy who makes you sigh when you recognize him as “that one unfunny dude”, and then realize he’s landed yet another role in a movie.

Sigh...

So these people start getting on their bus.  Sam hesitates however, when he notes that the letters on the bus steps say “Watch your step.”

Sam ponders this simple and very common phrase, contemplating if it might possibly take on a more sinister meaning.

But then he snaps out of it and gets back to what he was doing.

Soon, they make it to a bridge that is currently under construction.  As they pull to a stop from a stop-sign-carrying construction worker, Sam studies his surroundings, seamlessly slipping into a state of self-surveillance, stopping only to steal a small (and slightly secret) sight of his separated significant other, before setting his stare towards…

Then the freaky accident stuff starts to happen.

Thank goodness.  I was running out of steam.

Now, I would tell you what happens, but seeing as this is a Final Destination film, everything that you see there will only happen once, and then be broken from the space time continuum by the guy who has the premonition and starts freaking out about what he saw and then managing to drag the other characters away.  Therefore, I see no point in bringing up what happened in a scene that will ultimately never exist in the film’s continuity.

However, I will say exactly four things:

First: the order of deaths in this colossal destruction piece was: Candice, Isaac, Olivia, Nathan, Boss, Peter, and (surprisingly) Sam.  Molly managed to make it to the safe side of the bridge before Sam got sliced in half by a metal sheet, and then woke up from his premonition nap.

Second: as the characters leave the bridge, they look back and the bridge manages to collapse a lot faster than when the intended death scenes were supposed to take place.  Seriously.  One of the first things that happens is that the bus falls off the newly-formed crevice and into the water (also killing Isaac, since he was left behind in the empty bus), and about two minutes later, the rest of the bridge collapses.  After the premonition takes place and Sam and company look back, however, the bus is still on the bridge as it all collapses together to the ocean underneath.

But honestly: if you’re like me and spotting inconsistencies in a HORROR MOVIE of all things, then you’re not doing it right.

Third: If you were waiting for an indication that this movie was clearly made to be shot in 3D (aside from the grindhouse-like credits sequence), then just watch this scene and you will be similarly rubbing your temples as you see all the stuff that was made to pop towards the screen.

Fourth: Just before the accident, the radio played “Dust In The Wind” by Kansas for a brief  2 seconds, which I found to be clever, but unfortunately 3:21 short of being awesome.

After the accident, his friends start to ask him how he knew that was going to happen, followed by the police in a rather abrupt scene change.  Sam finds himself sitting across one Agent Block of… I’m guessing the FBI or some other organization.  After a few words, it becomes clear that Agent Block suspects Sam of have something to do with the bridge collapse.

Because Sam is totally capable of committing sheer acts of God like that.

Luckily, an extra comes over to inform Agent Blockhead that the real cause of the bridge collapse was high winds.  To which Agent Block professionally responds: “High winds?  Are you serious?

Remember: this guy’s from the FBI.

At the funeral, Sam and company gather for the funeral of the people who weren’t important to the movie, and then we’re given lingering shots of the memorial pictures as if we’re supposed to consider them important, despite this being the first time we’re even seeing these people.  Then Sam and Peter walk off before coming across a scary dude who more or less threatens them by saying “Death doesn’t like to be cheated.  You be careful now.”

And then they disregard him, but not before Sam shoots him a “What the hell, man?” look.

Sam decides to head on over to Molly’s house in order to reconcile their issues and we don’t really care about what a horror movie PLOT is, now do we?  So let’s head right on over to kill scene #1!

Victim #1: Candice

Irrational fear [gained after watching this movie]: Gymnastics

So, for the 3% of internet dwellers who do gymnastics, this one is for you.

We come across our soon-to-be stiff as she gets ready for her… gymnastics… thing at college.  She’s nervous, but one pep talk later from her dear Peter, then she’s on the road to reserving a space in that beloved bodybag.

And if you think I’m jumping the gun about her imminent death, then you’ve never seen a series more blatant in its execution than Final Destination.

I shall now smack myself for having made that pun.

You’ve also never seen one that was a vicious tease about when Death was going to strike, and it’s this scene here that shows just how fickle the movie can be.  I know that it wouldn’t be “thrilling” to kill them immediately as opposed to setting up all the possible ways it COULD go down, but in the end, the possibilities die away once you see how it DID happen.  Heaven forbid that you’re watching the film a second time, when you know exactly what’s going to happen.  It’s that same feeling of when you’re waiting for the surprise to happen, but you have to get past all the suspense and terror that you admitted was decent the first time you saw it, and are now realizing how unnecessarily padded segments like these can be.

So Candice steps up and dusts her hands LIKE A [INSERT APPROPRIATE JOB TITLE HERE], which somehow manages to make her study every particle of powder on her hands, almost like she had just sealed her fate with this one innocuous action.

But then she snaps out of it and gets back to what she was doing.

Again.

She starts off with some tricks on the balance beam.  But little does she know that crazy shenanigans are happening.  A single screw falls off of an air conditioning unit hanging above the balance beam she’s on, and not only does it hit the balance beam straight on, it also miraculously sticks the landing and STAYS on the balance beam.  It’s here we establish that Death more than frequently beats up on his little brother Physics.

Then cue about 25-30 close calls with her involving said screw, followed by an attempt at electrocution with a large fan.

But wait!  The camera keeps panning to the high beam, constantly showing the bolts and how much strain goes into the supports in order for the other gymnasts to stay aloft!  Perhaps an impalement is in her future?

It’s her turn on the high beam, and she begins to do her routine, while another gymnast does hers on the balance beam.  This time around, the other gymnast is not so lucky and lands right on the screw.  Guess she should have pulled for the “name character in a horror film” insurance policy to keep her safe from wayward screws.  She falls off and hits the pedestal that contains the powder from earlier, which gets caught up in the fan and blows directly towards Candice.  Blinded by the powder, she lets go of the high beam, spins in the air…

Amazing cause of death: … and then lands on her neck/back where she snaps her spine in two.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first death of the movie (no, that premonition thing doesn’t count as it doesn’t exist; read the rules of time travel), and it also has the honor of being considered the weakest.  I mean, it’s certainly different from your usual fare of impalements, long-crushing falls, shootings, and decapitations; but to have something so simple be the cause of death, it feels more cheap than new.

However, I will say that it does a great job convincing the rest of the percentage not involved in gymnastics to never consider it for the rest of their natural lives.  Maybe even to donate to their cause, since they apparently risk their lives more than firefighters or police officers.

Oh yeah, and Peter saw her die, so he goes mad with grief.

Sam and Molly go to Peter as mourns the death of his girlfriend, even though I’m not exactly sure it was established that they were in a relationship.  But whatever, if they insist.

Sam looks away, and discovers the scary dude from the funeral across the room.  After blinking and looking away several times just to make sure what it is that he saw, the dude disappears.  And Sam says nothing about it.

Because when someone gives you a vague death threat earlier on, their presence at the next kill site shouldn’t be a cause for alarm.

Anyway, the group collects at their office, where they decide to have a drink in remembrance of Candice.  Or rather: a succession of drinks.  Suddenly, I’m have this strange urge to do likewise.  Isaac, in all of his grief and somber memories, then begins to go through a dead colleague’s desk and takes their paper clips .

Classy.

And then he goes through ANOTHER person’s desk.

Give it a few seconds. It'll come to you.

When he sticks his finger in the second drawer he’s rooting through, he finds a voucher for one free massage session.  Feeling that it would serve the guy’s last intentions, Isaac decides to redeem it himself.

And what better place to see Death at every corner than a Chinese massage parlor?

Death #2: Isaac

Irrational fear: Chinese Massage tactics

At the parlor, Isaac is on the phone with (presumably) some girl whose hand he kissed once, because I don’t believe for a second this guy made it through first base let alone the home run.

Seriously, look at this dude:

This is the guy that the movie is trying to sell as the “ladies man”.

As in, most of his time in the film is spent on his cell phone, talking to different girls that he’s supposedly “bedded”, or something to that degree.

Ladies (and gentlemen, if you’re that curious), I understand that all the hot looking guys like Sam up there are are either taken or sociopathic monsters, but this guy is the the self esteem level of “Social Suicide”.  This dude is so at the bottom, he has a better chance of carrying a sentimental relationship with a crustacean than with another person.  This guy has not slept with anyone.  This guy has slept with PHOTOS of women, cardboard CUTOUTS, and then brags that he did “Pop Pop” with them.  And as Michael Bluth would say:

“The mere fact that you call making love “Pop Pop” tells me that you’re not ready.”

And speaking of sociopathic monsters, this movie has been bending over backwards to make most of its cast look like monsters, or look like ignorant jerks.  I guess that’s so we will be unsympathetic towards them and justify our watching of a movie where nature itself takes out the undesirables.  Basically, this whole series is Darwin’s wet dream as orchestrated by Rube Goldberg.  And I can’t say that I didn’t feel a slight bit of satisfaction from knowing that this obnoxious moron was about to go the way of all flesh.

But this movie (and, arguably, the torture porn genre as a whole) has the same issue that I found in Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof”: when you have unsympathetic characters that exist simply to be movie fodder, you’ve lost the desire to care about the movie as a whole.  By sacrificing development and buildup just so you can focus on the few highlights (like the death of these unsympathetic characters), you make the film less about overall horror, and more about the moments in between.  And while those memorable bits usually benefit movies, they can’t carry the whole damn thing.

In Isaac’s case: his lecherous attitude is what gets him in trouble with the cleavage-induced receptionist at the massage parlor, and his candid attitude towards his surroundings is what ultimately sets the stage for his rightly timed demise.  Even his amusing rubbing of a Buddha statue for luck won’t save him from how ignorant and uncaring he is.  This scene, nay, his whole existence in this film, establishes why we shouldn’t worry about waiting to see when and how this guy will die.  And I don’t know about you, but I find it a little uncomfortable to be in that position, where it feels like you’re being conditioned to treat this particular life, however annoying, as something that is expendable and worthy of elimination.

So he gets what amounts to this funny massage segment where he’s “serviced” by an old Chinese woman instead of receiving that erotic massage he thought this place had offered.  Which then culminates in every Chinese parlor’s favorite pastime:

Bonus freakout points: Getting acupuncture before Death strikes.

Fun fact: I hate needles.  This may have been a deciding factor in which Saw traps I found to be the freakiest.  But I’m pretty sure it’s widely accepted that the wrong application of needles sends chills up a person’s spine.

So the old Chinese battleaxe tells him to sleep for 30 minutes, and then she’ll be back to check up on him.  Cue the “creepy wind blowing the candles signifying Death has come in late from the office” special effect.  A towel catches fire, and he starts to panic.  This panic then leads him to try and move.

And then he falls over face first to the ground.

And after about 10 seconds, he jolts back to life, because that would have been too simple (and also because purists would have had a field day complaining about “spoiling all the good stuff in trailers”).  After a chain reaction involving his cell phone (don’t ask), he huddles at the corner by the door, hoping not to get fried by the fire.  But it stops just short of him, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

Amazing cause of death: Until a shelf gives way and the Buddha statue from earlier completely crushes his head into a pulpy mess.

Actually, I can see now why that girl from earlier was killed so easily: these people live in an alternate dimension where their bodies are held together by paper mache and scotch tape.

So the gang are oblivious to the death until they get the call, and they head over to the Chinese massage parlor, except for the Boss, who notes some suspicious behavior from Peter (probably due to the whole “grief” thing) and makes calls to Agent Block about it (who has no clue how any of these are possible).

And speaking of other characters: guess who’s at the scene of this death?

That’s right, it’s our favorite scary dude from the funeral.  This time around, though, Sam grows a new brain cell that says “FIND OUT WHY THE FRAK HE’S HERE”, which he follows.  He and his remaining friends confront the scary dude, where they discover that the reason he continually shows up at these things is because he’s the coroner.

Now, that is quite the revelation.

Or it it would have been if we didn’t already know it from the first two movies.

But only his voice was in the third one, and he wasn’t even in the fourth, so perhaps this served as a refresher course for those who don’t usually watch the previous films in preparation for the new installment.  At the very least, it’ll stun newcomers to the series who decide to enter a series in the fifth installment.

Still doesn’t explain why he was at the funeral for the employees who died on the bridge, though.

And then things get… weird.

This man (who has now been established as a coroner) tells the group that he’s seen this kind of thing before; where a lucky few will survive a horrible freak accident, and then die one by one under graphic conditions.  He then talks about Death’s books needing to be “balanced”, and how the people targeted don’t have a hope.  But the highlight is his belief that, because of this need for balance, it’s possible that one marked by death could exchange their intended death with someone else’s life, someone who’s not marked.

Now, let me bring a different perspective into this by having you imagine that this is the first time you’ve ever met this guy:

This creepy dude, who works with dead bodies for a living, and has been just about following you and your friends, tells you a story where Death creates these disasters on purpose to kill as many people as “he” can.  Those that manage to escape “his” grasp soon come to grisly fates on their own.  However, this musing coroner outright advises you to kill someone, which he thinks will fill the gap that your death was supposed to fill, and you will get that person’s life in exchange.

There are many reactions to this kind of thinking.

This is mine:

Aside from the fact that it pays his salary, a coroner suggesting you kill people so you can have Death get off your back seems just a wee bit crazy.  I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.  I mean, if he had told you this on a bus or while you were waiting in line at the grocery store, you’d want to get out of there as fast as you can, right?  That’s the kind of dialogue that makes you look around to see if there’s a policeman nearby so that maybe you have a fighting chance of making it home in one piece.  And considering that he more or less WORKS for the police only adds to the terror.

But what am I saying?  This isn’t a movie about creepy coroners.  It’s about photogenic people getting mutilated in the most arbitrary ways possible.  And we’re about due for a new victim.

Victim #3: Olivia

Irrational fear: Laser Eye Surgery

Wait, who is that again?

(Totally not a shallow excuse to post another picture of her)

Mmm, yes…

… wait, that means she won’t be wearing those glasses anymore!

NO DONT DO IT UR BUITIFUL JUS TA WAY U R

Also, before we get started:

Bonus freakout points: Doing something that will leave your eye in a vulnerable position.

I can see absolutely nothing going wrong with this particular encounter.

She gets a drink of water and is called into the room where she’ll be having the operation.  She inquires about the teddy bears in the room, which the doctor informs are for her younger patients, or for older ones too.  The next shot is of her nervously gripping that bear and just about killing it by strangulation.  It’s so intense that she even rips out the bear’s eye, which falls to the floor.  At this point, I’d ask why she’d even do something so dangerous considering what’s been happening to her friends, but then I remember that she doesn’t know Isaac is dead yet.  She left that drunken party before Isaac did.  The doctor clamps Olivia’s head to the table, and gets out an instrument that will keep her eye open.  Just as he’s about to start, however, he calls out to his assistant and remarks that he has an incomplete file.  He then proceeds to leave her alone with her head trapped underneath the laser machine.

Because… because.

I mean… I can’t tell which ignorance is the worst now.  Is it this one, or the last movie where an orderly left the water running in a tub and then went off to do something else?  And did I mention this was in a hospital?  You know: where there are like dozens of people on staff so as to avoid such a thing from happening?

So, in the same manner that a dog assaults the grass, Death creeps into the room, setting off a reaction where the laser machine malfunctions and begins to power up the device.

Truth be told, the less that is said here, the more your sanity will remain intact.

Sam and Molly show up to the doctor’s office, and they ask the doctor if Olivia is all right.  He responds by saying that she’s fine, that everything is just fine.

If you hear a banging noise, it’s probably the sound of my head hitting the desk hard enough to reverberate around the world.

Somehow, Olivia’s screams just NOW decide to be heard to the other people in the office, as opposed to all those little warm-up screams she made when her eye and hand were getting burned.  Sam, Molly, and the doctor both rush into the room to find Olivia free from her straps and

GAH!!!

Uh… no, it’s OK, it’s… it’s not… noticeable at all.  Just slap some… dirt on… wait, that’s not the right analogy…

Amazing death: She panics, and slips on the bear’s eye, causing her to fall six stories and land on top of a car.

Nah, that’s fine… she can still be hot.  Just brush back the glass, clean up the blood, she’ll be good as new… right?

And her good eye pops out of her head, rolls onto the street, and then gets run over by a speeding car.

… Yeah, OK, I ain’t touching that now.

I do have to give credit to this scene: at least it didn’t tease you with the possibilities of what could go wrong.  It presented a basic premise (laser machine going haywire), and it stuck with it.  Sure, it ultimately didn’t kill her, but as least it wasn’t going overboard with the “Oh, but this toaster could backfire into her hair!” or “Wait, this billboard is coming loose!  Maybe it’ll fall and crush her flat!” or even “This one little piece of glass could fly through the air, go through her mouth, lodge in her throat, and sever the artery in her neck!”.  Instead of trying to fake the audience out, it’s… dare I say… a pleasant surprise as opposed to a cheap trick.

Also, this bring up a question: what happens to these businesses after someone’s freak-of-nature death?  It’s their equipment that shorts out/breaks apart/catches on fire, and since I’m sure they don’t have a “Death Dicking Around” insurance policy, do they close down?  And what about those folks that left these victims unsupervised?  You think they still have a job when the guts and body parts are all cleaned up?  Personally, I’m hoping they don’t.  The last person I’d want to service me is someone who made Death’s job much easier.

So, that’s three down, and (potentially) 3 more to go.  That’s excluding Molly since everyone keeps mentioning how she’s safe almost like they’re afraid we’re gonna forget it.  Sam looks forlorn again, and Peter gets all existential and emo with the Boss, who in turn calls Agent Block to tell him Peter’s getting a little crazy.  That can only mean one thing.

Yep, that’s right.  The next victim will be…

… uh…

… who’s next, again?

Nathan

Ah, right.  You photogenic young people all look alike, huh?

Irrational fear gained: Working at a factory

Oh goody.  Another chance to make EVERYTHING look suspicious.

Anyway, Nathan is reviewing time cards when he comes across one that’s a little bit frank with him (or rather, it uses another word starting with “F”), and he goes to confront the worker involved with it on a catwalk.  The other worker starts yelling at him, but Nathan is too distracted by the various objects around him suddenly breaking and moving by themselves.  He realizes then that Death is coming after him (at least someone other than the protagonist is paying attention this time around), and he tries to lead the other worker off the catwalk.  But Joe Everyman won’t hear a word of it, nosiree Bobby!  He begins to struggle with Nathan.

At the last second, Nathan pushes him away, and the floor drops underneath the stumbling worker, sending him to his death.

… Well that was different.

Sam and company go to the factory to find out what happened, relieved to find that Nathan is still alive and the big mean worker who didn’t get paid enough to support his family is dead.  Peter then grills Nathan on whether he killed the worker or not.  After some emotional and verbal struggling with Peter, Nathan says “… Yeah, I killed him.”

Um… technically, it was an accident.  Sure, that push you made was a little forceful, but I’m sure any jury could say that it was an accident.  In fact, I’d probably guarantee it, since it falls under that same “Act of God” label as the bridge disaster.  No one would be able to prove that Nathan knew the catwalk was going to break.  But whatever, if it makes him feel better confessing to what technically isn’t a crime, then have at it.

But there’s something more important from this event.  If (by some miracle) that crazy coroner is correct, then Nathan should have access to the construction worker’s life since that guy traded his death for Nathan’s.  Not only that, but it should skip Nathan and go to the next person in line.

Let’s find out if it’s true.

Hey Koechner!  Can you come in for a second?

Thanks friendo.  You’re still useless as ever.

Victim #4: Nathan The Boss

Amazing death: Do you see that picture?  He took a frakking wrench to the face.

One thing you might notice throughout the film is that, despite the amazing circumstances that take place, the end result is usually less than stellar.  Gymnast dies by a bad landing, prick gets his head smashed, slut falls to her death, and dumb boss gets a wrench to the face.  When you compare them to previous deaths, they seem very tame in comparison (and no, I’m STILL not counting the premonition deaths, because they never happened).  To tell the truth, I’m rather surprised by this practice of restraint.  I guess they had to take a break from the amazing (if impractical) death scenes from the previous film.

So, where are we now?

Holy crap.

Guh, I remember the days when horror sequels were shorter.

Son of a…

For the most part, there really isn’t much else to say.  We’ve now reached the climax of the film, where Sam accepts that he’s going to die, and he goes to work (as a chef) where he accepts an internship to be a “Fancy” chef in Paris.  He and Molly are the last people in the restaurant and he asks her to come with him to Paris (because now they’re back together again.  Nothing like a few friends deaths to teach you where your priorities lie).  And what a surprise, they get a visit from Peter, looking like he just got off the crazy train.  He sits with the two of them, and talks about how Nathan’s near-death experience made him wonder if he himself was prepared to kill someone so he could continue to live.  After sharing his failed attempt at pushing a woman into traffic, he then begins to wonder why it is that Molly deserved to live while Candice didn’t.  He finishes that thought by pulling out a gun.

Oh goody.  Not only is he still on the crazy train, he’s now become the conductor.

Sam pushes him out of his chair before Peter can fire directly at Molly, and she runs into the dark kitchen.

Wait a minute.

We’ve somehow managed to get a supernatural horror flick featuring Death as the killer to include a psycho chase climax.

This movie, which usually had Death in stalking its prey, has someone going crazy and deciding to kill someone for Death?

I am cautiously intrigued by this new development.

After some standard issue chase whimpering, we find a shadow closing in on Molly.  She gulps as we find it’s…

… Agent Block.

Oh, thank goodness, a friendly face.  Now he can be of some help to…

… Rest in peace, Agent Block.  You may have been even more useless than David Koechner.  And to that, I say: I am sorry.  So very very sorry.

Now that he has killed Block and exchanged deaths, Peter has gained the agent’s life.  Which means that technically there’s no reason for him to kill Molly anymore.

Oh, but that’s right.  He’s running the CRAAAAAZZZZYYY TRAIN, and that particular mode of transportation doesn’t go through Logic Square.

So we go back to the always original “crazed psycho chases after the helpless female lead” bit, when the clever “male protagonist comes out of nowhere to fight the psycho” trope decides to show up.

Because this is exactly what I expected to see in a film about people cheating a supernatural entity.

Just when all hope seems lost (not to mention enough close calls to induce a diabetic reaction), Sam stabs Peter from behind with a kitchen skewer… which actually raises a question of how it was able to get through him considering the rungs and…

Oh, so it goes through the whole movie too?  Man, that’s a lot of mileage for $9.  Never let it be said you don’t get your money’s worth of crazy logic from these kinds of films

So we cut to Sam and Molly on the airplane that will go to Paris.  Having left Death behind, everything seems to be looking up for them.

But as you and I both know: horror movies these days can NEVER have a happy ending.  I don’t know why, but horror directors seem to rabidly disapprove of any and all feelings of closure or relief, whether it be from the fictional characters or the audience.

And, come to think of it, this seems slightly familiar.

Sam and Molly share a longing look, confident that all their trouble are behind them.

No, I’m serious, I know I’ve seen this before.

But then, a small spat of dialogue occurs in the cabin.  Sam looks over where he finds…

… no way.

NO FRAKKING WAY.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

. . .

It’s the frakking kids from the first movie.

Now, it’s not this exact frame, but it still shares the same sentiment: it shows a group of kids being led off the plane.  And…

… I’m sorry, but… I can’t get over the fact that this movie has managed to become a stealth PREQUEL.

It boggles the mind.

So how does it end?

[*Warning: Language*]

You tell me.

– – –

Oh, I forgot about Nathan.

Well, he’s at a bar where he chats with a guy from the factory.  As it turns out, that construction worker who died (and whose life Nathan took) had some kind of aneurysm or whatever which would have killed him at any time, which gives Nathan that same amount of time the dead worker had before dying some other way.

Cue Nathan nervously drinking after hearing that.

And then cue the giant wheel from the exploding Flight 180 plane to crash through the bar and, hilariously, through him as well.

Amazing.

– – –

But wait, it doesn’t end there either.  Oh no.  After totally destroying all hope of someone actually surviving, it decides to go into a 3-D-ized montage of select deaths from the previous four movies.  That’s right.  This is their best way of saying “Hey fans!  Remember all those crazy deaths?!  Well here they are again in THREE GLORIOUSLY RENDERED DIMENSIONS!!!  I don’t care if you didn’t ask for it, you’re welcome!  And for you newcomers… well, now you don’t have to watch the previous films at all!”

Out-friggin-standing.

– – –

So that’s Final Destination 5.  How does it hold up?

Well, while it’s certainly better than the previous two sequels, don’t be surprised if it turns out to be the “Final Destination” that this series travels to.  Don’t get me wrong, it does things differently, which is a nice change of pace.  The mythos about killing someone and exchanging lives certainly adds another dimension to the movie.  But when you think about it, it ends up being just like Final Destination 2 where it’s told that someone’s birth will save someone.  It must be hard to remain consistent in such a series as this.

Speaking of exchanging lives: I still don’t understand the ending.  How is it that Sam died after that life exchange?  Did Peter have only two weeks left to live?  Although technically, that was Agent Block’s life, not Peter’s.  So… does that mean Agent Block only had two weeks to live?  Or was it hokey?  But if it was hokey, then why did it honor its commitment to Nathan?  Was that one simply because it was such a coincidence that the person he exchanged with was way closer to death than anyone thought?  Or did it all not matter as this was another one of Death’s mass murders?

In any case, if you ever choose to watch only one Final Destination, I’d say you couldn’t go wrong with either this or the first movie.  But I’d lean more towards the first.

Actually, you’d be better off watching “New Romance” again.

You’re welcome. 😀

*checks self*

And it would appear that I’m still alive after saying that.  So, nex-

... Spoke too soon?

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